A Trial Separation…from “SHOULD”

Jan 1, 2012 by Gretchen Seefried

I’ve always admired people who are able to resist the siren call of “should”.  When my husband recently described a mutual friend  as someone who has a lot of “shoulds” in her world, it struck me that  I do too.

My life has long been defined by  etiquette shoulds, business shoulds, homemaking shoulds, parenting shoulds, volunteer shoulds, spousal shoulds, neighborly shoulds, and so on, and on…

After his observation, I decided to take a look at why I do the things I do. And in a pique of pure self-honesty, I realized that I do them so people will think I’m polite & proper, successful & savvy, martha-esque & hardworking, maternal & authoritative, selfless & kind, attractive & loving, not to mention, a good neighbor.  The thing is…I actually am  all those things, whether other people think so or not.  So why do I wake every day  to this litany of self-imposed “shoulds”?

I googled the word “should”  and one of the first sites where I was directed described it like this:

 We use ‘should’ for giving advice.

• You should speak to him about it.
• He should see a doctor.

We use ‘should’ to give an opinion or a recommendation.

• He should resign now.
• They should do something about this terrible train service.

‘Should’ expresses a personal opinion and is much weaker and more personal than ‘must’ or ‘have to’. It is often introduced by ‘ I think’.

• I think they should replace him.
• I don’t think they should keep the contract.

It’s that last explanation that interests me most.  Have I been letting the personal opinions of others, or even worse, my  perception of their opinions, be the guiding force in my life?  If so, I guess I have an answer to why stress has been such a constant companion.

Every January 1st, I make resolutions to change, improve, strive.  But most of these resolutions have been based on external expectations or some misguided internal inference of expectations. As I enter this new year, my resolution is to step back from every single “should” that tiny voice whispers in my ear, and ask “why?”.

If the answer makes sense…okay.  If it makes stress…that’s a problem.

What about you?