What if iPatience Were Apple’s Next Product…

Nov 14, 2011 by Gretchen Seefried

“Patience is a virtue… I do not have” is the pronouncement my 12 year-old makes when faced with a wait. It’s never been one of my strongest qualities, either.  While my Dad was the most patient person I ever knew, it remains to be seen if any of the second crop of apples that fell from our family tree landed close enough to benefit from this particular aspect of  his DNA.     

I wanted to share a recent text exchange I had with Cam, who was awaiting with bated breath the handing down of an outdated iPhone from his oldest sister (who, after seeing the newest iPhone, had become equally obsessed, and after failing to talk me into buying her one, quickly caved and bought one for herself).

But first, I’d better give you a little background.

The first cell phone to arrive in Kristen’s hands came via a visit from Santa, back in 2001.  The sound of a ringing phone emanating from the bottom of her stocking was music to her ears.  That one and all subsequent phones have been her most treasured possessions except for… when they’re not, which is generally when a new version becomes available.  Mysteriously, that always seems to coincide with when her current phone seems to stop working.

13 has been the usual age when we’ve given into  cell phone  longing…until Cam, who is self-admittedly spoiled (see our text exchange below), but also happened to be moving to a large middle public school at the age of 11, unlike his sibs who spent their tween and early teen years in the safe embrace of a small, gated private school where everyone knew everyone.  So on his eleventh birthday Cam received his first hand-me-down phone.  The ecstasy accompanying these first phones is palpable.  I’m not sure whether my favorite part is the well-rehearsed voice mail greetings the kids record or the stories of both the two oldest being caught pretending to be on calls when their phones actually rang!

(The novelty does wear off with some; Kev, at nineteen decided to not even set up his voicemail…figuring if someone wants to reach him, they can text… or try again.)

Along with getting phones, comes losing phones.  At least for some members of the family. I won’t name names but let’s just say a couple members have maxed out our annual phone insurance allowance multiple times.

I don’t have so much a history of losing phones as one of running them over.  My first iPhone had a black case (to match my increasingly black wardrobe…remember black is slimming and I’ll rarely turn down slimming).  I also had a black car, (figuring that with the amount of time spent in the car driving five kids all over creation, it was important that my car be slimming too).

While cleaning out the garage one weekend, I apparently laid the phone down on the hood of my car.  As we prepared to head out for dinner that evening, I couldn’t find it anywhere.  After scouring the house, car, garage and yard, I had what Oprah calls an “Aha!” moment.  Though mine was kind of an “Uh-Oh, Aha”.  I had a feeling of deja vu as I walked out of our driveway, down the alley, and around the corner to the stop sign where I screech to a halt several times a day on my way anywhere out of our neighborhood.

Lying there, in all its shattered glory was my treasured iPhone.

How did I think to look there you may ask?

Well, truth be told, not too long before that I’d had  a minor hissy fit when the kitchen cordless phone was nowhere to be found.  Will, who had a nasty habit of making off with every receiver in the house, vehemently denied involvement in this suspicious disappearance.  It was with a certain amount of chagrin and a fleeting thought of cover-up that I ‘d pulled up to that familiar stop sign a few days after said hissy fit, to the stomach-turning sight of innards smeared across the asphalt.  The tell-tale wires of our kitchen phone receiver helped identify the body.

Enough of memory lane… here’s what Cam and I texted  (during his lunch hour) last Tuesday:

Cam: Convincing? Thanks you. I’ll pay you $20

 Me: Ur funny

 Cam:  I wish she would just do it!  I would give anything for the iphone to be mine today

Me: Offer some Daisy (Kris’ puppy) services when she’s working

Cam: I did! But I’m afraid to say the word iphone in front of her!

Me: Good thinking. Just b your sweet self and she’ll do it soon.

Cam: ( BUT I WANT HER TO DO IT NOW! This phone I have now functions as good as a clogged toilet.

Me: Ur a clogged toilet (this is an extremely juvenile family joke that is getting old in a hurry-in a proper exchange this reply would be met with the natural rebuttal “your mom’s a clogged toilet” …its okay to just shake your head and move on… )

Cam: Oh my god I hate my life.  Mostly because of your last text.

Me: Tee hee

Cam:  I WANT MY IPHONE;( GRRR

Me: Please don’t get like that

Cam: I’m not I just wish I had it now! I don’t try to be spoiled but this is something I have wanted for years  (my favorite line)

Me: Not many 12 year olds have iPhones.  And I’m a little concerned when I meet one who does

Cam:Why? Mom, this is important to me.  I know tons of 12 year olds with iphones.

Me: At the same time I don’t blame u for being impatient…she’s being unreasonable as she’s just as impatient and obsessive about things like this as u are.  U both need to learn some patience and self-honesty. Love you

Cam: Right?! I love her, but this is making me upset

Me: Maybe u should write her a letter explaining ur feelings

Cam: And I know I need patience but im horrible at it

Me: Seems to b a family thing

Cam: No because ill sound like a brat and ill seem impatient

Me: Ok then think about all the things ur lucky enough to have and think about a kind act u can do for someone else. C u at @ 5

Cam: Okay.  But will u talk to her please? I’m a little scared to do it myself

When I emailed each of the kids to ask them to help me remember how many phones they’d had over the years, I had to chuckle at the responses.  Though they may not have inherited my dad’s admirable patience, a few definitely got his selective memory!

Kudos to Kev, who often challenges us with his blunt honesty, but just as frequently walks the talk. Here’s his reply:

Eesh…let’s see if I can remember

3rd–crappy AT&T flip when you guys got iphones

 Jesus, 6 phones in what…6 years? Yikes. 

Clearly, I’ve gone off topic today, but couldn’t resist sharing this peek into our phone-dependent and patience-free family .

Would love to hear your own stories of cell hell.