Day ? ?Days to go…

Nov 7, 2011 by Renee

I have wasted several days of blogging trying to figure out what day I am on and how I should handle missing 2 months of walks and blogs. I have had a sinus illness that lasted forever and took any extra energy for walking and blogging away. I managed to get a few walks in over the last few months, but stuck to doing the bare minimum of taking care of my family and clients. Now that I am thankfully feeling better, I want to get back on track.

Greg and I started October off with a morning date at Snooze and a walk by the Platte River and through downtown. The whole family went to Georgetown the second weekend of October to do our 15th annual goal planning weekend. Our first goal planning weekend was the first year of our marriage. It’s a great time to spend in the mountains (or on the beach or somewhere special) planning out our individual and family goals. We keep a journal and we read over the past year(s) to see how we are doing. Last year was in Breckenridge and we talked about buying a mountain house (a goal since the first year). On the way back to Denver, we stopped in Georgetown to look at property and by the end of the year, we had our sweet little cottage. This is actually our second mountain house. In 2002, we bought a cabin in Bailey. Dad rented it from us and we went up whenever we could. We sold it when he moved to Kansas and we were living in Philadelphia. This year we had fun going over our new goals, enjoying the beautiful snow in Georgetown, and getting a couple of walks in.

The third weekend of October, we went to LA for the fall break and my 47th birthday. Even though I wasn’t feeling very well, we got in lots of great walks on the beach in Marina del Rey, Venice Beach, and Santa Monica. We also walked in the Hollywood hills and on Hollywood Boulevard. The highlight was riding bicycle cruisers on the beach path.

October also had another visit to the hospital for mom.  She was severely dehydrated.  This was the first time I had them put a DNR bracelet on her.  As much as I want to keep her here, I feel like she has had enough of the doctors and hospitals and would be ready to go if her heart chose to stop.  She has been through so much – her whole life.  I have definitely benefited from having her here.  She has been such a loving and creative mom.  I think of the little things she used to say alot – question everything, the only people I”m prejudiced against are prejudiced people, home again, home again, jiggidy jig, and oh woe is me that my banishment is so prolonged (when we tried to feel sorry for ourselves).  She used to have picnics for us in the den on a blanket on the floor where we got to eat everything (even mashed potatoes) with our fingers.  She convinced us that our guardian angels were in the room with us at night watching over us when we said our bedtime prayers.  She took us to nursing homes and state hospitals for spontaneous visits of strangers that had no visitors.  She had us pick cucumbers with immigrant families and deliver phone books door to door.  She also had us sell produce door to door.   She passed on her loves of family, pets, reading, travel and adventure.  She mothered us in a way that we knew that we were the most important people in the world to her.  She supported us 110% in whatever we wanted to do and never pressured us,  guilted us, or put her agenda on us.  It’s so strange to have her here, but not really here.  She remembers us still, but is having a hard time talking to or understanding us.  I recently heard about a book called A Long Goodbye about dementia.  I’m not sure I’m ready to read it yet, but the title says alot about our experience already.  I am still very slowly going through her things in my garage and came across a rough draft of a poem she wrote for Abby before she was born,

“There is a brand new child, my brand new grandchild

and here in my solar plexus

there is this new joy

that is (just) like an old pain

I recognize

the vulnerability

of loving so much

of caring so much

of worrying about another person

now

for the rest of my life.

I do not know her yet

but we are inextricably bound

forever

my new grandchild and I.”