The Art of Commiseration

Oct 30, 2011 by Gretchen Seefried

Merriam-Webster defines commiseration as “sorrow or the capacity to feel sorrow for another’s suffering or misfortune.” I think of it more along the lines of empathy or the act of making another feel understood. Let’s face it, most of the time when we share our emotional state with someone, we’re looking for a little love, agreement, or validation.  We’re not looking for a blank stare, a breezy dismissal or a “bet I have it worse than you.”

My family loves to make fun of my phone commiseration-style which is full of “ohh, honeys, and ahhh sweeties” – I never really thought about it, but I guess I am kind of a master-commiserator.  Now that doesn’t mean I like to encourage misery or aid and abet a whole lot of whining.  It just means that I try to remember to try to put myself in another’s shoes before making assumptions or moving on.  It ain’t easy.  Especially if the other person is a biker wearing that ridiculous outfit and riding in my lane on a narrow road with a 35 MPH speed limit.  Not to mention that I wouldn’t wear clip-in shoes if you paid me.

But back to the importance of commiserating.  If you want to win friends and influence people, you should try it.  Don’t think of it as being miserable along with someone else, but as reaching out and acknowledging a shared human experience…whether it be the sleep-deprivation of sick kids, a mother-in-law’s visit, or the embarrassment of an unzipped fly- when we acknowledge we’re human too, we all feel better.

Next time your husband, child, mother, sister, boss, neighbor, or friend reaches out by sharing their feelings, consider how you’d want them to reply if it were you…

My 12-year-old posted this reminder on his Facebook status last night, and I’m glad to see he’s thinking about commiseration too. (Yes, I know he’s supposed to be 13- but put yourself in my shoes…he’s #5…):

The girl you just called fat… She’s overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly…She spends hours putting makeup on hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped…He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars… He fought for his country. That guy you just made fun of for crying… His mother is dying.

Put this as you’re status if you’ve been bullied… and you’re against it. I bet 95% of you won’t re-post or even like it.. But I’m sure the people with a heart and backbone will.

This week, the Colorado Clothesline Project, sponsored by Midchix, Girl Scouts of Colorado and Women’s Collaborative for Colorado, gives members of the Denver community an opportunity to show their support for women and girls impacted by violence.  We invite you to come witness this powerful and beautiful exhibit of  healing and commiseration on Friday November 4th 5-8pm at Brushstrokes Studio on South Gaylord Street.  This display will be up throughout the weekend… please join us.